just trying to find my Rushmore...

3am nursed drinks

cracked lips

oh, i only miss that jawline of yours
you thought i would be so lonely without you that i would wilt and die
but truth be told i have always been alone
used to feeling like a corpse in the early morning
playing radiohead on a poorly tuned guitar
i guess this is also when i am at my brightest
(and ill shine for myself and no one else)
as always, life is still a bitter pill to swallow
forever being treated like an adult or like a child
i can only handle the world and everyone in it in one hour increments
time to st-st-stutter out another apology, like,
"so sorry to everyone that ever cared,
i was never worth either the time or the effort"
fuck.
i wish i didnt feel so fundamentally broken.
despite all of the above, i am having a good year so far.
but then again, any year is better in comparison to last year.

leaving my gun and badge on the desk

white knuckled my way through the worst year of my life

cant sleep anymore
ive forgotten how to loosen the tension in my shoulders and neck
or maybe its always been like this
my obsessions and depression has dragged me kicking and screaming to the nearest body of water 
and sent me a wave strong enough to send me to the depths
i spent every late night in solitary confinement
buried alive inside every thought and nightmare ive ever had
my body has become a breeding ground for resentment and misery
small wildfires have been lit and snuffed out under the shell i call my skin
stop telling me that this was the best year ever for you
fuck the carefree lives that you lead
i want to ruin you all so much
i begging for whatever higher power you (dont) believe in to fuck you up completely
"and i will hold your whitewashed bones unto the sky and scream 'oh god, if you are here, i hold this body to your judgement- give it you wrath or your mercy. but please pick wrath.'"

(i am exhausted and resentful, and have forgotten how to write. i am not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.)

this is me wishing you interesting times

creature of habit

sleeping in my varsity jacket like its gonna give me its magic

in love with the electricity shock from the keyboard to my fingers

i want to write words that you want to swallow whole like a fistful of pills that makes you choke

i want you to write me a song that i can sing in my sleep with my hands around my throat

nearly eighteen.

i feel like im flying too close to the sun, and i can only hope that i will be better off for it. sometimes i become so consumed by rage that my only human thought is how i would give up everything to be able to cry again, or to able to smile with all my teeth. i cant even trace back my anger, pinpoint it to a certain moment, but a couple of nights ago i woke up at an hour no one should be awake at, and realised that one day i will die and no one will miss me. it was kinda an unexpected catalyst but it happened. i woke up later that morning and felt ready to take on the world, but only in a way that ends with me burning down the city skyline.
i felt like i have awakened from a coma ive been in these past couple months. its been rough living, but i don't know any better. i find it hard summarise my life so far, but all i know is that i have gained some new personality traits (not all of them good), had my heart and soul stolen more times than i would have liked, seen a couple of my favourite bands live, been in a couple fistfights, screamed my lungs out at the moon many a time, given up on friends, and in turn had friends give up on me.

to everyone that reads this: i don't know how you all work your way into my life but i feel like it all works like string theory. everything is interconnected. thank you for sticking it out with me. its been a long road, but this isnt the end, this is just a fork in the road, and i hope you all take the same path as me. thank you for keeping me going at my worst and for grounding me at my highest.

selling: one used god complex, in good condition, local pick-up only

can i upgrade my personality?

at my very core i am not gold

just copper

some higher power made me from the leftovers of the carbon copies walking this earth

i am full of flaws;

i wax and wane over everything and everyone i hold dear,

i hate you and love you in the same breath,

im not expecting of a saccharine future,

i have to hit up sinatra to get to sleep, and

sometimes i fear that i have long passed the point of no return.

maybe if you polish my flaws i could be worth something to someone

forget all that i have written above. forget me.

red pill or the blue pill?

you said "tell it to the marines"

(dont you think i already did?)

you said "you arent worth my time"

(dont you think i already know?)

kick my feet out from under me

the way you look into my eyes...

you arent reading me like a book

you are just looking at your own reflection

its never love, its just a trick of the light

living on a boxers belief that im worth my flyweight in gold

(punching above my weight always)

forever a stupid fuck with no hope

(this is a shot across the bows)

cut and run while you have a chance

"some days i may express myself in curious ways"

i miss the snow days
now im living inside dog days
sleeping three hours a night
im running low on juice
cravings for a mental break

speeding past the point of no return with my middle fingers in the air
lost my mind a while back
im locked in 'safe mode' (i swallowed the key)
will you join me?
push you against the walls of my head
catch us in the moment. frame us like work of art.
sweat out all the love in my body out of my pores
forked tongues on skin
just begging to dive in

---but---
you told me you were in love with the idea of love (not me)
and i told you to stop smoking

because only i kept the cancer at bay

im not a superhero- im pavlovs dog

are you the bell or the meat powder?

vampire money at its premium (and im buying in)

you burn the candle from both ends
living life as a mover and shaker
im just living life as a b-side
a chaser to all your late nights
(tete a tete with the 6s and 7s)
im calling for pistols at dawn
even though im not worth the bullet you scratched my name into
even though im not worth the blood, sweat and tears you put into
hunting me down
better bring yr silver bullets because im such an animal
if i told you my insides were neon would rip me open and keep them
even if it killed me?

this is just a knife in your gut (but with a twist)

im down but not out
forget homesick
im seasick
when you get this please beam me back to my home planet

im hanging off collarbones, im teething on hipbones

i am the whites of eyes and she is a basketcase
push the envelope and maybe we will make it to the backroom
lungs full of nicotine
mouths full of insults
everyone has their poison
wolves. deus ex machine. red bull. supra footwear. jeff buckley. grey and gray. digital photos looking like polaroids.
and i like 3D movies
they make me spin all the way to the bathroom tiles.
watch me brag my vices to the mirror (eyes closed, always)
and, oh, the floors never been so inviting
and the lights never been so striking
kicking the weekdays in the teeth just to blow it all on the weekend
lay down next to ripped halves of photos
slept all through the day(dreams)
woke up in a shoegazing mood
blame the bad weather
but the one thing you can always count on with me is that i am always half there

rough work, but we wouldnt have it any other way.

crazed young animals
either howl at the moon or let the vet put you to sleep
(hot or cold, never room temperature)
natural disasters
we will ruin everything that you hold in high esteem
rip open your head and see what makes you tick
now,
gutter stomp when the breakdown kicks in
fuck.
see me shining like pearls for the first time in my life
next to the perfect teeth in the magazines
compensate for being rotten on the inside with wit in spades
just pucks of pooks hill
dear you,
migrating east
tell me
are you running away or coming home for the first time?

i dont think i can write anymore. i cant clean this slate with such dirty hands.

my idea of mixing things up is swapping which end of the bed i lay my head

taking this off private. lets see how this goes.

i want to kiss every bad idea on the mouth

we are all attracted to the shine on a blade
caged by morals, covered in skin
inside all of us is an animal
but only some of us are wild
let the claws out with all those loose emotions
howl at the moon, snarl at the word (raise that upper lip)
you just gotta let it all out
im sick to death of bottling everything
so bogged down in anxiety and negativity, the doc's certificate says i got the bends
i want to live where the wild things are
truly, the reason i love you is because i can see us running through the suburban streets
coated in warpaint, barefoot, with the full moon in our veins
fuck the 9 to 5s
steal the colgate grin off a businessman's grin
i want to ruin everyone, even you (but truth be told you are too far gone, even by my standards)
maybe we are sid & nancy 2.0
maybe alpha wolves
maybe just nothing, and i am imagining it all
i can see this being all in my head, i do it a lot
sometimes i feel above everyone and sometimes not worth the air i breathe
my emotions have always been just a tennis match
but can yr eyes move fast enough to keep up? or am i just rolling em into the back of your head?
i just wanna be kept in the loop
i wanna be thought about for a second, because i swear to god youre on my mind near 24/7
and please tell me when i beg(a/i)n to bore you

(im gonna regret all of this. i nearly always do. this sorta stuff should be kept to a confessional, but im no christian, so im putting it here.)

i fought with all my hearts for this
a monochromatic kid with a limp and a lisp
who would rather get lost in the breakdown of a song
pulses match the double kick on the bass drum
my ego rides shotgun all my life
a safety blanket for those solitary nights
been living in reverse dog years, now im just leaping em
im so full of rage, watch the words as im leaking em
i love you to death (not only below the belt)
and truth be told i got everyone fooled but myself
is "fuck off" better than nothing or have i got it wrong?
never got a chance just made it up all along

and so it goes
horses to bottled glue
noses to model glue

all my friends are safe houses (too bad i am the home wrecker that will destroy them)

the lover boy is singing the blues
winning over hearts with a single song
but a god complex and a loose belt buckle don't exactly make for "puppy love"
white knuckles
one hand on the steering wheel, the other wherever you will permit

we got the right formula for a pile up on the freeway (after lifetimes of trying)
full moon outside the windshield has me howling
always said i was raised by wolves, but you/they never listened
i hope theres a full tank
bricked the pedal to the floor
"no sleep till ..."
fleeing the border these days is the only way to escape a bad reputation
getting out of a town where i can barely breathe
i always said i (carcrash)heart the haters but most times it is just suffocating
blurry eyes filled with tears keep the zzz's at bay
dark bags under the eyelids keep the love at bay
the distance is slowly killing me

but you knew that
(wish i could tell you something you didn't know- wish me luck?)

bumper car love. forever.

hate is in the barrel of a gun/love is in the barrel of a needle

pop a pill on your tongue
wait till that fucker hits yr system
we were the talk of the town
you and i
now we are just whispered about through cracks
they say we are just the monster that will eat your insecurities alive
lets charm the conflict diamond outta em
and leave them a charcoal cadaver
status report: hell bent on heaven sent
i am the official secretary for the mile high club
moonlit love 1000s of feet into the sky
hades keeps dead ringing me
better put pennies on my eyelids when i die
so the taxman and the ferryman get a cent each

so alfresco, baby

lazy hazy sunday noon.

orange skies
red eyes
white lies
lucid dreams in REM
we sleep inside body bags next to hearts we will never own
and we live next door to the love we will never know
stop.
put love on the backburner
you make me feel so infinite
im stuck on the math of “you” + “me”
does that equal “we”? or just wishful thinking?
i will never know what we are
(the jurys thrown out like my spine on this one)
i keep yr feet in the ground and yr head in the clouds
and you keep me in check and my mouth shut up
all i truly want is for the world to spin me away from danger

I wouldnt call this a "relationship", more like "long distance mutual fond feelings"

dreamt last night that i fell asleep in my time zone and woke up in yours
we are all sparks and flames and passion but no “us”
why isn’t your head next to mine on this pillow already?
i got that spark back, thanks to you
i owe you the world and so much more
you pour the kerosene back in my veins
you throw the bounce back in my step
you put the glint back in my eyes
you soften the glass shards in my words
and turn them to sweet nothings
whispered across the pillows to the new lovers we moulded from ex-friends
i dont hate so hard on the world anymore now that im on the upshot of life
i guess im slightly obsessive, but it keeps me in one piece
fingertips worn down to the bone from typing sweet nothings

(you cannot envision the amount of times i have written you an email about us and addressed it to you and just left it in my drafts)