just trying to find my Rushmore...

3am nursed drinks

cracked lips

oh, i only miss that jawline of yours
you thought i would be so lonely without you that i would wilt and die
but truth be told i have always been alone
used to feeling like a corpse in the early morning
playing radiohead on a poorly tuned guitar
i guess this is also when i am at my brightest
(and ill shine for myself and no one else)
as always, life is still a bitter pill to swallow
forever being treated like an adult or like a child
i can only handle the world and everyone in it in one hour increments
time to st-st-stutter out another apology, like,
"so sorry to everyone that ever cared,
i was never worth either the time or the effort"
fuck.
i wish i didnt feel so fundamentally broken.
despite all of the above, i am having a good year so far.
but then again, any year is better in comparison to last year.

leaving my gun and badge on the desk

white knuckled my way through the worst year of my life

cant sleep anymore
ive forgotten how to loosen the tension in my shoulders and neck
or maybe its always been like this
my obsessions and depression has dragged me kicking and screaming to the nearest body of water 
and sent me a wave strong enough to send me to the depths
i spent every late night in solitary confinement
buried alive inside every thought and nightmare ive ever had
my body has become a breeding ground for resentment and misery
small wildfires have been lit and snuffed out under the shell i call my skin
stop telling me that this was the best year ever for you
fuck the carefree lives that you lead
i want to ruin you all so much
i begging for whatever higher power you (dont) believe in to fuck you up completely
"and i will hold your whitewashed bones unto the sky and scream 'oh god, if you are here, i hold this body to your judgement- give it you wrath or your mercy. but please pick wrath.'"

(i am exhausted and resentful, and have forgotten how to write. i am not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.)

this is me wishing you interesting times

creature of habit

sleeping in my varsity jacket like its gonna give me its magic

in love with the electricity shock from the keyboard to my fingers

i want to write words that you want to swallow whole like a fistful of pills that makes you choke

i want you to write me a song that i can sing in my sleep with my hands around my throat

nearly eighteen.

i feel like im flying too close to the sun, and i can only hope that i will be better off for it. sometimes i become so consumed by rage that my only human thought is how i would give up everything to be able to cry again, or to able to smile with all my teeth. i cant even trace back my anger, pinpoint it to a certain moment, but a couple of nights ago i woke up at an hour no one should be awake at, and realised that one day i will die and no one will miss me. it was kinda an unexpected catalyst but it happened. i woke up later that morning and felt ready to take on the world, but only in a way that ends with me burning down the city skyline.
i felt like i have awakened from a coma ive been in these past couple months. its been rough living, but i don't know any better. i find it hard summarise my life so far, but all i know is that i have gained some new personality traits (not all of them good), had my heart and soul stolen more times than i would have liked, seen a couple of my favourite bands live, been in a couple fistfights, screamed my lungs out at the moon many a time, given up on friends, and in turn had friends give up on me.

to everyone that reads this: i don't know how you all work your way into my life but i feel like it all works like string theory. everything is interconnected. thank you for sticking it out with me. its been a long road, but this isnt the end, this is just a fork in the road, and i hope you all take the same path as me. thank you for keeping me going at my worst and for grounding me at my highest.

selling: one used god complex, in good condition, local pick-up only

can i upgrade my personality?

at my very core i am not gold

just copper

some higher power made me from the leftovers of the carbon copies walking this earth

i am full of flaws;

i wax and wane over everything and everyone i hold dear,

i hate you and love you in the same breath,

im not expecting of a saccharine future,

i have to hit up sinatra to get to sleep, and

sometimes i fear that i have long passed the point of no return.

maybe if you polish my flaws i could be worth something to someone

forget all that i have written above. forget me.

red pill or the blue pill?

you said "tell it to the marines"

(dont you think i already did?)

you said "you arent worth my time"

(dont you think i already know?)

kick my feet out from under me

the way you look into my eyes...

you arent reading me like a book

you are just looking at your own reflection

its never love, its just a trick of the light

living on a boxers belief that im worth my flyweight in gold

(punching above my weight always)

forever a stupid fuck with no hope

(this is a shot across the bows)

cut and run while you have a chance

"some days i may express myself in curious ways"

i miss the snow days
now im living inside dog days
sleeping three hours a night
im running low on juice
cravings for a mental break

speeding past the point of no return with my middle fingers in the air
lost my mind a while back
im locked in 'safe mode' (i swallowed the key)
will you join me?
push you against the walls of my head
catch us in the moment. frame us like work of art.
sweat out all the love in my body out of my pores
forked tongues on skin
just begging to dive in

---but---
you told me you were in love with the idea of love (not me)
and i told you to stop smoking

because only i kept the cancer at bay